The Importance of Being Earnest: A Trivial Comedy for Serious People

John Worthing, J.P.. Mr. George Alexander. Algernon Moncrieff. Mr. Allen Aynesworth. Rev. Canon...

ALGERNON. Inspects them, takes two, and sits down on the sofa. Oh. . . . by the way, Lane, I see...

LANE. I believe it is a very pleasant state, sir. I have had very little experience of it myself up...

ALGERNON. Lanes views on marriage seem somewhat lax. Really, if the lower orders dont set us a good...

ALGERNON. I really dont see anything romantic in proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. But...

ALGERNON. Oh. there is no use speculating on that subject. Divorces are made in Heaven Jack puts...

ALGERNON. Well, my dear fellow, you need not eat as if you were going to eat it all. You behave as...

JACK. Do you mean to say you have had my cigarette case all this time. I wish to goodness you had...

ALGERNON. I think that is rather mean of you, Ernest, I must say. Opens case and examines it....

JACK. Of course its mine. Moving to him. You have seen me with it a hundred times, and you have no...

JACK. Moving to sofa and kneeling upon it. My dear fellow, what on earth is there in that. Some...

ALGERNON. Yes. But why does your aunt call you her uncle. From little Cecily, with her fondest love...

ALGERNON. You have always told me it was Ernest. I have introduced you to every one as Ernest. You...

ALGERNON. Well, that is exactly what dentists always do. Now, go on. Tell me the whole thing. I may...

JACK. My dear fellow, there is nothing improbable about my explanation at all. In fact its...

JACK. My dear Algy, I dont know whether you will be able to understand my real motives. You are...

ALGERNON. Literary criticism is not your forte, my dear fellow. Dont try it. You should leave that...

ALGERNON. You have invented a very useful younger brother called Ernest, in order that you may be...

ALGERNON. I havent the smallest intention of doing anything of the kind. To begin with, I dined...

JACK. Im not a Bunburyist at all. If Gwendolen accepts me, I am going to kill my brother, indeed I...

ALGERNON. Nothing will induce me to part with Bunbury, and if you ever get married, which seems to...

ALGERNON. My dear fellow, it isnt easy to be anything nowadays. Theres such a lot of beastly...

LADY BRACKNELL. Im sorry if we are a little late, Algernon, but I was obliged to call on dear Lady...

LADY BRACKNELL. It certainly has changed its colour. From what cause I, of course, cannot say....

ALGERNON. It is a great bore, and, I need hardly say, a terrible disappointment to me, but the fact...

LADY BRACKNELL. Well, I must say, Algernon, that I think it is high time that Mr. Bunbury made up...

ALGERNON. Ill speak to Bunbury, Aunt Augusta, if he is still conscious, and I think I can promise...

LADY BRACKNELL. Thank you, Algernon. It is very thoughtful of you. Rising, and following Algernon....

GWENDOLEN. Yes, I am quite well aware of the fact. And I often wish that in public, at any rate,...

GWENDOLEN. Jack. . . . No, there is very little music in the name Jack, if any at all, indeed. It...

GWENDOLEN. Yes, but men often propose for practice. I know my brother Gerald does. All my girl...

LADY BRACKNELL. Pardon me, you are not engaged to any one. When you do become engaged to some one,...

LADY BRACKNELL. In the carriage, Gwendolen. Gwendolen goes to the door. She and Jack blow kisses to...

LADY BRACKNELL. Pencil and note book in hand. I feel bound to tell you that you are not down on my...

LADY BRACKNELL. I am pleased to hear it. I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural...

LADY BRACKNELL. That is satisfactory. What between the duties expected of one during ones lifetime,...

JACK. I have a country house with some land, of course, attached to it, about fifteen hundred...

LADY BRACKNELL. A country house. How many bedrooms. Well, that point can be cleared up afterwards....

LADY BRACKNELL. To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both...

JACK. I am afraid I really dont know. The fact is, Lady Bracknell, I said I had lost my parents. It...

JACK. The late Mr. Thomas Cardew, an old gentleman of a very charitable and kindly disposition,...

LADY BRACKNELL. The line is immaterial. Mr. Worthing, I confess I feel somewhat bewildered by what...

LADY BRACKNELL. I would strongly advise you, Mr. Worthing, to try and acquire some relations as...

LADY BRACKNELL. Me, sir. What has it to do with me. You can hardly imagine that I and Lord...

JACK. Oh, Gwendolen is as right as a trivet. As far as she is concerned, we are engaged. Her mother...

ALGERNON. My dear boy, I love hearing my relations abused. It is the only thing that makes me put...

JACK. Oh. one doesnt blurt these things out to people. Cecily and Gwendolen are perfectly certain...

ALGERNON. Women only do that when they have called each other a lot of other things first. Now, my...

GWENDOLEN. Ernest, we may never be married. From the expression on mammas face I fear we never...

GWENDOLEN. The story of your romantic origin, as related to me by mamma, with unpleasing comments,...

Garden at the Manor House. A flight of grey stone steps leads up to the house. The garden, an old...

MISS PRISM. Calling. Cecily, Cecily. Surely such a utilitarian occupation as the watering of...

MISS PRISM. Child, you know how anxious your guardian is that you should improve yourself in every...

MISS PRISM. Drawing herself up. Your guardian enjoys the best of health, and his gravity of...

MISS PRISM. Cecily. I am surprised at you. Mr. Worthing has many troubles in his life. Idle...

CECILY. I wish Uncle Jack would allow that unfortunate young man, his brother, to come down here...

MISS PRISM. Shaking her head. I do not think that even I could produce any effect on a character...

CHASUBLE. That is strange. Were I fortunate enough to be Miss Prisms pupil, I would hang upon her...

CHASUBLE. Ah yes, he usually likes to spend his Sunday in London. He is not one of those whose sole...

MISS PRISM. That would be delightful. Cecily, you will read your Political Economy in my absence....

CECILY. You are under some strange mistake. I am not little. In fact, I believe I am more than...

CECILY. If you are not, then you have certainly been deceiving us all in a very inexcusable manner....

CECILY. Well, I know, of course, how important it is not to keep a business engagement, if one...

MISS PRISM. Sententiously. That is obviously the reason why the Primitive Church has not lasted up...

MISS PRISM. That depends on the intellectual sympathies of the woman. Maturity can always be...

CHASUBLE. In Paris. Shakes his head. I fear that hardly points to any very serious state of mind at...

CHASUBLE. Perfectly, perfectly. In fact I have two similar ceremonies to perform at that time. A...

CHASUBLE. Admirably. Admirably. Takes out watch. And now, dear Mr. Worthing, I will not intrude any...

CECILY. Oh, dont say that. However badly he may have behaved to you in the past he is still your...

ALGERNON. Brother John, I have come down from town to tell you that I am very sorry for all the...

CECILY. Uncle Jack, do be nice. There is some good in every one. Ernest has just been telling me...

ALGERNON. Of course I admit that the faults were all on my side. But I must say that I think that...

ALGERNON. Well, I dont like your clothes. You look perfectly ridiculous in them. Why on earth dont...

JACK. Your vanity is ridiculous, your conduct an outrage, and your presence in my garden utterly...

CECILY. It is always painful to part from people whom one has known for a very brief space of time....

CECILY. Oh no. Puts her hand over it. You see, it is simply a very young girls record of her own...

CECILY. Well, ever since dear Uncle Jack first confessed to us that he had a younger brother who...

CECILY. On the 14th of February last. Worn out by your entire ignorance of my existence, I...

CECILY. Yes, youve wonderfully good taste, Ernest. Its the excuse Ive always given for your leading...

CECILY. Oh, I couldnt possibly. They would make you far too conceited. Replaces box. The three you...

CECILY. Of course it was. On the 22nd of last March. You can see the entry if you like. Shows...

ALGERNON. But why on earth did you break it off. What had I done. I had done nothing at all....

CECILY. You must not laugh at me, darling, but it had always been a girlish dream of mine to love...

ALGERNON. Well, my own dear, sweet, loving little darling, I really cant see why you should object...

CECILY. Considering that we have been engaged since February the 14th, and that I only met you to...

CECILY. Miss Fairfax. I suppose one of the many good elderly women who are associated with Uncle...

GWENDOLEN. Cecily Cardew. Moving to her and shaking hands. What a very sweet name. Something tells...

GWENDOLEN. Outside the family circle, papa, I am glad to say, is entirely unknown. I think that is...

GWENDOLEN. Oh. It is strange he never mentioned to me that he had a ward. How secretive of him. He...

GWENDOLEN. Well, to speak with perfect candour, Cecily, I wish that you were fully forty two, and...

GWENDOLEN. Ah. that accounts for it. And now that I think of it I have never heard any man mention...

CECILY. Rather shy and confidingly. Dearest Gwendolen, there is no reason why I should make a...

GWENDOLEN. Examines diary through her lorgnettte carefully. It is certainly very curious, for he...

CECILY. It would distress me more than I can tell you, dear Gwendolen, if it caused you any mental...

CECILY. Ah. This is what the newspapers call agricultural depression, is it not. I believe the...

Merriman does so, and goes out with footman. Gwendolen drinks the tea and makes a grimace. Puts...

GWENDOLEN. You have filled my tea with lumps of sugar, and though I asked most distinctly for bread...

GWENDOLEN. An admirable idea. Mr. Worthing, there is just one question I would like to be permitted...

JACK. Slowly and hesitatingly. Gwendolen Cecily it is very painful for me to be forced to speak the...

ALGERNON. Well, one must be serious about something, if one wants to have any amusement in life. I...

JACK. Well, the only small satisfaction I have in the whole of this wretched business is that your...

ALGERNON. When I am in trouble, eating is the only thing that consoles me. Indeed, when I am in...

ALGERNON. You cant possibly ask me to go without having some dinner. Its absurd. I never go without...

JACK. My dear fellow, the sooner you give up that nonsense the better. I made arrangements this...

ALGERNON. Quite so. So I know my constitution can stand it. If you are not quite sure about your...

GWENDOLEN. True. In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity is the vital thing. Mr....

GWENDOLEN. I have the gravest doubts upon the subject. But I intend to crush them. This is not the...

LADY BRACKNELL. Come here. Sit down. Sit down immediately. Hesitation of any kind is a sign of...

LADY BRACKNELL. He seems to have had great confidence in the opinion of his physicians. I am glad,...

LADY BRACKNELL. With a shiver, crossing to the sofa and sitting down. I do not know whether there...

JACK. Very irritably. How extremely kind of you, Lady Bracknell. I have also in my possession, you...

LADY BRACKNELL. Ah. A life crowded with incident, I see; though perhaps somewhat too exciting for a...

LADY BRACKNELL. Sitting down again. A moment, Mr. Worthing. A hundred and thirty thousand pounds....

LADY BRACKNELL. Glares at Jack for a few moments. Then bends, with a practised smile, to Cecily....

LADY BRACKNELL. Never speak disrespectfully of Society, Algernon. Only people who cant get into it...

JACK. I beg your pardon for interrupting you, Lady Bracknell, but this engagement is quite out of...

JACK. It pains me very much to have to speak frankly to you, Lady Bracknell, about your nephew, but...

JACK. I fear there can be no possible doubt about the matter. This afternoon during my temporary...

LADY BRACKNELL. You are perfectly right in making some slight alteration. Indeed, no woman should...

JACK. Pray excuse me, Lady Bracknell, for interrupting you again, but it is only fair to tell you...

LADY BRACKNELL. That does not seem to me to be a grave objection. Thirty five is a very attractive...

CECILY. Yes, I felt it instinctively, but I couldnt wait all that time. I hate waiting even five...

LADY BRACKNELL. My dear Mr. Worthing, as Miss Cardew states positively that she cannot wait till...

LADY BRACKNELL. That is not the destiny I propose for Gwendolen. Algernon, of course, can choose...

LADY BRACKNELL. At their age. The idea is grotesque and irreligious. Algernon, I forbid you to be...

CHASUBLE. I am grieved to hear such sentiments from you, Mr. Worthing. They savour of the heretical...

MISS PRISM. I was told you expected me in the vestry, dear Canon. I have been waiting for you there...

LADY BRACKNELL. In a severe, judicial voice. Prism. Miss Prism bows her head in shame. Come here,...

MISS PRISM. Lady Bracknell, I admit with shame that I do not know. I only wish I did. The plain...

MISS PRISM. Calmly. It seems to be mine. Yes, here is the injury it received through the upsetting...

JACK. Unmarried. I do not deny that is a serious blow. But after all, who has the right to cast a...

JACK. Algys elder brother. Then I have a brother after all. I knew I had a brother. I always said I...

LADY BRACKNELL. Meditatively. I cannot at the present moment recall what the Generals Christian...

JACK. The Army Lists of the last forty years are here. These delightful records should have been my...